The girl who can't be moved (eight)

EIGHT

“YOU DID WHAT?!” James exclaimed.

I ate another spoonful of icecream. James is the type of person who only gets mad once in a blue moon. And for him to yell that loud, what I’ve done must’ve been super duper over the top.

“Wait… don’t get mad at me. Nothing happened naman eh.” I defended myself while trying to hide the fact that I’m scared by his scowl.

“Pero inakit mo pa din si Robi!”

“Well… not technically. Hindi naman ako nag-suot ng sexy lingerie. I bought one, but I didn’t use it.” I explained while having a panic attack.

“YOU BOUGHT A LINGERIE TO SEDUCE ROBI?!” James’ voice boomed like thunder.

“Yes. Rapah even helped me pick one.” I said panicking.

“YOU BOUGHT A SEXY LINGERIE WITH THE HELP OF MY BRATTY SISTER?! Ian naman eh!” His almond shaped eyes turned into a huge chestnut shape. For James’ chinky eyes to widen like that, I must be in real trouble. Lagot ako.

“Sabi nya kasi effective daw yun. Pero wag ka mag-alala. Hindi ko naman sinuot yun eh. Promise.” I raised my right hand hoping he’ll calm down. “Icecream? Sige na matutunaw na yung sayo.” I was trying to divert the topic.

“Wag mong ibahin yung usapan. Ano ka ba naman, Ian? Bakit ka nakikinig sa kapatid kong yun? Alam mo namang na-stuck yun sa fantasy world eh.” James said irritated.

“James… Sorry na. Wala naman nangyari eh.”

“Ian, pwede bang tama na? Hindi na kasi tama yung pagpapakatanga mo kay Robi eh. Akala ko ba ikaw si Jan Di? Eh bakit mo ginaya si monkey girl?”

I was surprised with what he said.

“Alam mo yun? Hindi ka naman nanonood ng BOF ah.”

“Nag marathon ako. Para naman maintindihan ko yung pinagsasasabi mo sakin.”

That made me smile.

“Weh?! Talaga? Ang ganda diba?” I said excitedly.

“So and so…” He answered a bit uninterested.

“HMP! So and so ka pa nalalaman dyan. Maganda yun noh!” I ate another spoonful of icecream. Then, James stared at me intently. “Huy! Ano ba?! Nakaka-concious ka na.” I joked.

“Alam mo, feeling ko, Yi Jeong had special feelings for Jan Di too. Pero alam nya kung gano ka-mahal ni Jun Pyo si Jan Di. So, he stepped back. And when he finally got the courage to do something about his feelings for her, it was too late. Mahal na mahal na kasi ni Jan Di si Jun Pyo… So, in an effort to hide what he truly feels, he kept his reputation. Mas lalo sya nambabae…” James kept a straight face while telling me his theory. “Lagi mo sinasabi na kamuka ko si Jun Pyo. Pero kahit anong gawin ko, ako pa din si Yi Jeong sa buhay mo. Hindi ba pwedeng ako na lang si Jun Pyo mo?”

“James…” I didn’t know what to say nor what to think.

“I don’t want to be Yi Jeong anymore. I don’t want to be the one that fades in the background anymore. Gusto ko, ako naman si Jun Pyo. Ako naman. Ako naman yung tignan mo. Ako naman yung mahalin mo. I won’t leave you with promises, because I’m staying right here beside you. I have always been here. Lagi lang ako sa tabi mo. Kahit sa malayo ka nakatingin hindi ako umaalis. Kasi nagbabaka-sakali ako na makita mo na pwede din mahalin ni Jan Di si Yi Jeong.” James said those with a smile on his face. It wasn’t a smile of happiness. He was smiling because he was hopeful.

I was speechless… I was out of words. James is in love with me? My bestfriend James? We fell silent for a while.

“I don’t know what to say. Bestfriends tayo. Alam mo yung mga kabaliwan at katangahan ko. You can’t be…”

“JAMES!” Someone called out before I can even continue what I was going to say. Judging by that person’s booming voice, it was Ali.

Ali walked in the dining room while dragging Rapah by the arm. Zach and Anton followed.

“Alam mo ba kung anong ginawa nitong magaling mong kapatid?” Anton asked.

“May iba ka pang ginawa bukod sa pagkunsinte kay Ian na akitin si Robi?!” James yelled at Rapah.

“Alam mo na?” Ali, Zach and Anton chorused.

“Oo. Nangumpisal na yung bata.” James said referring to me.

“Anak ng!” Ali sat beside me. “Alam kong magkasundung-magkasundo kayo ni Rapah, at kahit mahal na mahal ko ‘tong babaeng ‘to, wag ka makikinig dyan. Baliw yan eh.”

“Baliw pala ah!” Rapah hit Ali on the head. “Wag mo na ko pakasalan! Ayoko na!” She tried to threaten Ali.

“Eh di wag! Sinong tinakot mo.” Ali yelled at her.

“Sira ulo ka talaga. Joke lang yun noh! Nagpapapigil lang ako.” Rapah took back what she said as fast as she could.

One of the reasons why I asked for Rapah’s help is because she won Ali. She chased Ali since we were young and she was able to steal him from his fiancée. Kung nagawa nya, magagawa ko din yun. I won’t give up.

“Tumigil na nga kayong dalawa. Kalokohan ni Ian yung agenda natin.” Zach said seriously.

“Rapah, excuse us muna. Usapang Neon ‘to” Anton asked Rapah.

Rapah left the room. The four of them stared at me as if I was a criminal under interrogation.

“Wala namang nangyari eh!” I broke the silence. “Robi didn’t want to. He said if he’s going to love me again, not that way. Hindi dahil dun. He still cares for me. I know it. Alam ko, mahal nya pa ko.”

“Ian…” Zach sighed. He wore a serious face. “We all know how much you love Robi.We also know how much he loved you. Samin nya sinasabi noon how much you mean to him. Kaya nga namin sya pinilit na sabihin sayo yung nararamdaman nya bago sya pumunta ng Spain. Kinunsinte namin yung paghihintay mo sa kanya ‘coz we believed that he’ll do what he promised. But it’s different now. He’s the one asking you to give up already. Sya nga kinalimutan nya yung promise nya sayo. Ikaw din. Kalimutan mo na lang.”

I shook my head. I can’t believe I’m hearing this.

“You’re giving up on me? Kala ko ba walang laglagan, eh bakit sumusuko na kayo? Diba ako dapat yung unang susuko?” I was trying my best not to cry.

I can’t do this without them. They never fail to give me strength whenever I feel helpless and hopeless. Pano ako pag sumuko sila?

“Hindi ka namin nilalaglag.” Anton held my hand. “We’re lifting you up… Coz right now, you’re already falling apart. We’re just doing what you did for us. Everytime we felt like wala ng mangyayari sa pagbabanda namin, you were always the first to tell us na konti na lang magkakahimala na. And when one producer made us sing those horrible songs, you were also the first to tell us to go the other way kasi may iba pang himala na dadating. Ian… May iba pang himala. ”

“Eh si Robi lang yung gusto kong himala.” I wiped the teas that escaped from my eyes. I know I sounded pathetic, but that’s just the way it is.

“Ian… Tama na. Okay lang na sumuko ka. Maganda ka pa din. Promise… You’ve always taken care of us. Now, let us take care of you. Ayaw naming nasasaktan ka. Ayaw naming nagpapakatanga ka ng ganyan. Ikaw yung baby girl namin eh. And we love you so much.” Ali said with pleading eyes.

I can’t believe that four guys are begging me to quit my one and only addiction- ROBI. What should I do? I don’t want to feel this much pain anymore. But then, I can’t give up Robi. I don’t want to. I’ve hold on for 5 years, ngayon pa ba ko susuko?

“Ayoko. Hindi ko kaya… Alam ko maaalala din ni Robi na mahal nya ko.”

“Adrianne.”

I looked at James.

“Just give me one last desperate attempt to make him mine.” I proposed.

“NO!” Zach, Anton and Ali chorused.

I turned to James. I was waiting for his reaction. James looked at me. He gave me a faint smile and then he finally spoke.

“Let her. But it will be the last. You have to promise us that after your last desperate attempt, you’re going to let go and move on.”

“Yes. I promise.” I raised my right hand.

“James. Ano ba?” Zach objected.

“Kung ito na yung huling beses na magpapakatanga si Ian para sumaya sya, hindi ba natin sya hahayaan gawin yun? Hindi ba, at some point, gumawa din tayo ng stupid things just to get what we want. She promised that it will be the last. Let her be desperate for the last time. Pero pagkatapos nun, tayo na ang masusunod.”

Ali, Anton and Zach sighed.

“Isa na lang ha?” Zach said.

“Promise. Last na.” I raised my right hand.

“Hay naku, konti na lang talaga, makakalimutan ko na na kaibigan natin si Robi.” Anton said.

“Wag.” I objected. “Ako yung may gusto nito. Wag nyo sya sisihin.”

“Alien ka talaga. Bagay na bagay sayo yung title mo, ‘the girl who can’t be moved’. Walang makapag-papasuko sayo.” James messed my hair.

“GROUP HUG!” Ali yelled and they all hugged me. God, I love these guys.

After the hugs from my 4 unofficial boyfriends, the three happily bound guys- Zach, Anton and Ali left. I was about to leave when I remembered what he said about him being my Jun Pyo instead of Yi Jeong.

“James…” I sighed. “About what you said kanina…”

“Which part? The one I said where you want me to give up or the one where I gave you up?” He said with a defeated smile.

I hugged him tight. He didn’t hug me back.

“Ayaw mo na ba akong i-hug?” I asked him.

“Gusto. Gustong-gusto. But if I hug you now, I’ll have to let go. Madadagdagan yung ouch sa puso ko. And I can only take 3 ouches in one day. Strike 3 na eh. Masakit na masyado.”

“Three?” I asked a bit confused.

“One, when you came in and told me what you did for Robi. Two, when I told you I don’t want to be the one that fades in the background and you did just that. You let me fade in the background. Three, I gave you up. Again. Just like what I did 6 years ago when Robi told us he’s inlove with you.”

Tears started welling up in my eyes. I can’t bear to see James hurt like that. He’s my bestfriend. He’s that concrete wall I’ve always leaned on. I feel so bad because after all that he has done for me, I still managed to hurt him. Kung pwede ko lang ibigay yung puso ko sa kanya, ginawa ko na- tumitibok-tibok pa. If I can only hand my heart out to him. But even if I rip my chest open, I still can’t give it to him, because I don’t have it anymore. It’s with Robi. He took it the day he told me he loved me and left for Spain.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered in between sobs.

He only smiled and messed my hair.

ROBI’s

I woke up this morning at Ian’s bed. She wasn’t beside me anymore and I felt a sudden rush of disappointment. I wanted to try waking up with her beside me. I wanted to know if she was the view that I would want to see every waking morning of my life. Irish and I have slept on the same bed many times, and everytime I wake up and see her beside me, I feel nothing- and that scares me. Being with someone for 3 years and still not seeing yourself growing old with the other person means something is wrong. I feel contented with the relationship I have with Irish, but I think relationships aren’t supposed to be that way. It should be a roller coaster ride. A whirl wind. The kind where everyday is another day of adventure. Last night, Ian bared her soul to me. I was so tempted to just kiss her like there’s no tomorrow. I missed her lips. The lips I’ve only kissed once but never forgot. I missed every inch of her being. I missed my Super Ian. But, I held back. I couldn’t do that to her. I can’t go back to being impulsive and not think of the consequences of my action. Up until now, I’m not sure if I’m still inlove with Ian or if I’m just inlove with our memories. It was the thin line I’m walking on. I thought, when I came back here, I have really moved on but when I saw her at the launch I knew I was in big trouble. I thought wrong. I made the wrong move of pretending I’ve moved on. I pretended because I thought Ian will move on too. 5 years ago, I was way too scared that while I was away Ian will fall for James. I couldn’t handle that fear. I missed her everyday. And missing her made me paranoid. Missing Ian hurts too much that I couldn’t stand it. So, I started to leave things behind me. I had to move on before she does, because I know that I’ll fall apart if she’ll be the first to move on. What could I do? What should I think? She was never a believer of courtship, of taking chances, and of waiting. Someone as impulsive and adventure seeker like her, can never be contained. I promised her that I’ll come back for her and we’ll spend our forever together. It only took me a year before doubting that she’ll wait for me and so I stopped believing in my promise too.

Ian’s purple wall was still the same. It was still filled with pictures of us. Posters of Neon filled one side of her room. A framed snapshot of the two of us lay on her bed side table. After 5 years, she still hasn’t moved on. At the launch, she asked a minute of me. She hugged me tight for a minute. I wanted to hold her tight too, but I didn’t. I knew that if I did, I won’t be able to keep my pride and I’ll go back to being weak. That’s what Ian does to me. She makes me weak- too weak. I don’t want to be like that again. I spent more time in her room. I wanted to savor the life in that room. I wanted to breathe in the life inside that room because it contains a part of Ian’s world. Her world that I can never enter again. I stayed there for a few hours before I went home.

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James called me up and asked me to meet them at the garage. I couldn’t say no. That was the first time he initiated a talk with me. We were really close friends. We have lots of things in common. We have the same interests- music, band and that one girl- Ian. We never talked about it. He was more expressive of his feelings. He takes care of Ian and gives her special treatment. I, on the other hand, was in so much denial. I knew her too well. Falling for that boyish girl next door was never my idea of a romantic plot. Hindi rin naman kami talaga magkaibigan ni Ian eh. Naging kabarkada lang namin sya when James befriended her after they met in one of our house parties. Inaya sya ni James sumama sa isang jamming namin and she hit it off with the other guys. One of the boys kasi sya. Walang arte sa katawan. Kasundo nya sa kakulitan si Ali. Pag seryosong usapan naman, si Zach ang kakambal nya. She’s Anton’s breathing room for his crazy relationship with Rika. And she’s that girl who built a wall unknowingly between James and me. James was never vocal of his feelings-expressive, yes, but never vocal. No one assumed that he wasn’t just treating Ian as a little sister. But I noticed how he stares at her when she’s not looking. It was the same stare I did when Ian’s not looking and that scared me. I thought it would only be a matter of time before James can finally gather the guts to tell Ian how he feels. So, before he can even say anything, I blurted out that I’ve fallen for Ian. They were all shocked. James kept silent. After that confession and 2 cases of beer, James finally talked to me and said “Go for it. You know her more. Mas alam mo kung pano sya mapapasaya. Just give her so much love.”

I didn’t know how to show her I love her. Ian is not the typical girl who’s smitten by courtship. She’d rather hang out with us guys and watch us jam, so I gave her the most important thing I can give her- my drumming skills. I taught her how to play the drums.

I really missed jamming with Neon. They’re quite busy with all the fame stuff- gigs, mall tour, TV and radio guestings. When I arrived at the garage, Anton, Ali, Zach and James were all set up and practicing. Then, I realized that there was something missing- someone, rather. No one was sitting behind the drums.

“Tugtugan na ba? Wala pa yung drummer nyo ah. Pasaway talaga yung alien na yun.”

I joked.

“Hindi si Ian yung pasaway. Ikaw.” Zach said in an irritated tone.

“Ako?” I asked, a bit confused.

“Oo, ikaw.” Zach added. “Pinilit ka namin na sabihin kay Ian na mahal mo sya, dahil naniwala kami sayo. Alam namin na kaya mo syang pasayahin. Pero anong ginawa mo? Pinaasa mo lang sya. Tang ina! 5 years. Hinayaan namin sya maghintay kasi naniniwala kami na tutuparin mo yung pangako mo.”

“You could’ve at least told her na ayaw mo na.” Ali said. “Gaano ba kahirap mag angat ng telepono at tawagan si Ian para sabihing ‘Hoy alien! Wag mo na kong hintayin! Hindi na kita mahal!’ Mas okay pa yung ganun eh. Oo, masasaktan sya, pero mas madali sya makakaget over. Pero yung pghintayin mo sya ng limang taon para sa wala? Pucha! Sana literal mo na lang na dinurog yung puso nya.”

I couldn’t swallow the fact that I’m hearing this from them. I had to defend myself.

“Whatever issues Ian and I have, samin lang yun. Labas kayo dun.” I said.

“Labas kami dun?” Anton, trying to contain himself. “Kami ang nandun para kay Ian sa tuwing matutula sya kakahintay sayo. Kami yung nakakita kung pano sya maglasing sa sobrang pagka-miss nya sayo. Kami yung nandun nung mga panahong umiiyak sya dahil bigla kang hindi nagparamdam. Kami yung nakakakita sa kanya sa tuwing uupo sya sa harap ng bahay nila at magwi-wish na sana umuwi ka na. Kami yung nandun para sa kanya dahil wala ka. Kami yung nandun dahil iniwan mo sya.”

“Ian should’ve been smart enough to know that when I stopped existing in her part of the world, it meant that she doesn’t exist in mine anymore. Apparently, she’s still stuck in her own freaking planet.”

I turned my back on them, ready to leave. But James grabbed my shirt and landed a hard punch on my face. I fell on the ground.

“Gago ka pala eh! Hindi mo ba ma-gets?! Mahal na mahal ka ni Ian! Yung pagmamahal nya sayo, umaabot hanggang Pluto. Pati kaluluwa nya hinain nya maalala mo lang na mahal mo sya.” James said with gritted teeth.

I stood up and kept a straight face.

“It was her choice. Hindi ko sya pinilit. Wala akong sinabi na akitin nya ko.”

“It’s a choice she made because of you. Kinalimutan na nya yung pride nya at kahihiyan dahil sayo. Ipaintindi mo nga samin kung bakit kahit isang beses, sa loob ng limang taon, hindi mo nagawang sabihin sa kanya na kalimutan na lang nya yung lahat sa inyo?” James said again while trying to stop himself from landing another punch on my face.

“Wala akong dapat ipaliwanag sa inyo. I don’t owe any explanation to you guys. Ano nang nangyari sa ‘pagkakaibigan bago ang lahat’? Nagagalit kayo sakin dahil lang sa saling pusang Neon na yun?”

James walked towards me and grabbed the collar of my shirt. If glares could kill, I would’ve been dead right then and there.

“Yung saling pusa na sinasabi mo, yun yung taong kasama namin nung sa pandinig ng mga kapit bahay, ingay lang yung ginagawa namin. Sya yung nag-aalaga samin dahil nangako sya sa isang gagong manloloko. Sya yung kasama namin sa lahat ng panahon na ayaw na namin mag-audition. Sya yung nagsasabi samin na ang sumuko pangit. Isa sya sa mga dahilan kung bakit kami ganito ngayon. She’s one of the reasons why we made it this big. She never left us. Hindi sya saling pusa. She’s a true Neon. Hindi katulad mo. Hindi na ikaw yung Robi na kapatid namin. You’re not the missing part of Neon.”

“So it’s over then? Years of friendship… it just came crashing down the drain?” I asked rhetorically. “Fine with me.”

I looked around the garage before I walked away. I left that garage along with the years of friendship I shared with Neon. What happened to the promise of not letting anything or anyone come between the bond that we have? All of these because of one girl- the girl who can’t be moved.