"The next time I see him. I am going to ask him to marry me."
I was eighteen years old when I said those unforgettable lines. eighteen years old and ver very drunk. Ni hindi ko na matandaan kung seryyoso ba ako nang sabihin ko ang mga katagang iyon, but the only reason why i said that was because I was really really heart broken.
Yllak, the only guy who can make my heart flutter, left. AGAIN.
Grade three ako noong una kong masilayan si Yllak. I was eight years old, but when I saw him, outside our classrom waiting for his sister, made me feel a diffent kind of gravitaional pull. His soft cyte smile, his little dimples, his innocent eyes covered with those intellectual glasses made him more attractive for me.
I was only eight yers old and yet I already knew that he's my SOULMATE.
Tumagal ang panahon, lalong lumalalim ang nadarama ko para sa kanya. I even asked my father to move in the same village kung saan nakatira ang pamilya ni Yllak. Stalking? No.. i just wanted to be close to him.
At nangyari iyon, I befreinded his younger sister. It was easy lang naman kasi classmate ko ang kapatid niya. Habang napapalapit ako kay Shane--- sa kapatid ni Yllak, lalo naman akong nahuhulog sa kanya. Mahirap sigurong intindihin because I was very young yet I knew and I fully understand the concept of what adults call LOVE.
For me, Yllak was my prince charming. Hindi niya lang alam, pero siya ang nakatakdang maging prinsipe ko. At kapag nalaman na niya iyon, ako ang unang matutuwa.
Tumuntong ako ng high school. Doon mas lalo kong lang naramdaman na si Yllak na talaga ang gusto kong makasama habambuhay. I always see myself, standing next to him infront of the altar. We, us... one... Forever... husband and wife...
But then our love story ended---kahit di pa naman nagsisimula--- when Yllak graduated form high school. Kinailangan niya kasing umalis noon para mag-aral sa New York. he left.. but before he left, I had a chance to talk to him...
I gave him his graduation gift. A necklace... Pnaghirapn kong hanapin iyon. Alam ko kasing babagay sa kanya ang necklace na iyon. I saw the design at the back of his Math notebook, at noong natghahanap na ako at wala akong makita, naghanap naman ako ng isang taong marunong gumawa ng pendant. Luckily, I found one.
"You didn't have to, Tonie.." ngumiti iya sa akin, habang kinukuha mula sa mga kamay ko ang maliit na kahon.
"We'll, it's nothing. " nahihiyang sabi ko. "Buksan mo na." and he did. When I saw his eyes widened with happiness, parang gustong-gusto kong kiligin sa harap niya, magsasayaw, magkakanta.. pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. I could always do that inside my room.
"Its pretty.. thank you..." nakangiting sbai niya. Agad na isinuot niya iyon. Gusto ko sanang ako na mismo ang magsuot niyon sa kanya pero baka naman isipin niya na masyado akong assuming.
"Paano, uuwi na ako. happy graduation ulit..." bago pa man ako makaalis ay hinatak ni Yllak ang mga kamay ko. Napaharap ako sa kanya. he was smiling.
"Kapag ako umalis, ikaw ang isa sa mga taong mami-miss ko ng sobra." Yes... I alomot forgot that he was leaving the next morning. I just smiled at him. I wanted to tell him how I really feel, pero napaimbabawan ng takot ang puso0 ko. What if, hindi pa kami pareho ng nararamdaman? I knew for a fact na kami ni Yllak sa huli pero hindi pa siya handa. I kept quiet. I hugged him tight. At ganoon na lamang ang kasiyahan ko ng madama ko na niyakap rin niya ako. Ayaw ko pa sana mag-lte go pero nadama ko ang nagbabadyang mga luha sa mga mata ko, kahit mahirap, kahit ayaw ko pa, kumalas ako sa yakap niya at tumakbo palayo. I knew that he was leaving. Matagal ko nang alam iyon pero bakit kung makaakto ako ay parang kanina ko lang nalaman?
It was hard knowing that the boy I spent my whole life loving, will be leaving the next morning. It was hard to know that the next time I come to their house, I won't be able to see him ot talk to him. Nakakatakot.. natatakot ako na baka makalimutan niya ako. Ayoko lang naman na makalimutan niya ako, pero anong magagawa ko, wala naman akong pinanghahawakan sa kanya? Hindi naman kami.. at alam ko naman na para kay Yllak, isang kaibigan lang ako... or worst, parang kapatid na rin niya...
So when Yllak left, tinuruan ko ang sarili kong kalimutan na lang siya. Ganoon naman iyon eh... Para hindi ako masyadong masaktan. Paminsan-misan ay nababanggit pa in siya ni Shane, at kapag nangyayari iyon, hindi ko maiwasan ang biglang kabahan. The truth is, kahit malayo na si Yllak... kahit taon na ang lumipas mula nang umalis siya, I was still waiting for that day when Shane will come to me, happy, because Yllak is coming back.. pero hindi nangyari iyon.
Hanggang sa dumating na lang iyong araw na bigla na lang akong walang naramdaman para sa kanya. Ewan ko ba.. sa tingin ko mabuti na rin iyon, but still, that bothers me..
So years passed by, still no Yllak. Unti-unti na akong natuto na kalimutan siya.. until one day...
HE came back.
I was shocked.
Why?
Because the Yllak I fell in love with was gone. Standing infron of me was an all new improved Yallak gabriel Villanuva. No glasses, no nerdy vibe, no dorky clothes.... he IS a MAN now.. at nakakalungkot. I always thought that he will always be Yllak, the boy that made my heart flutter, but I guess its true what they say. Change i the only permanent thing in this world.
When I realized that Yllak (the guy I wanted) was gone. I satrted avoiding him. I don;t wanna get caught up with him again. And plus, I am sacred that i might fall in love with him again.
Ayoko nang ma-inlove sa kanya. Wala naman kasiguraduhan. Saka isa pa, aalis lang naman ulit siya. I remember Shane telling me that Yllak's here for only three weeks.
Three weeks of avoiding him... easy...
Iyon ang akala ko.
Kung kailan naman ako iwas ng iwas sa kanya, siya naman iyong lapit ng lapit sa akin. I don't have any idea why he was doing that, but it kind of made me feel, special. Hanggang natagpuan ko na lang ulit ang sarili ko na nahuhulog sa kanya.
Habang si Yllak, aalis na naman.
Life is really screwing us up.
Noong akala ko na maayos na ako, na nakalimutan ko na siya, saka naman siya bumalik. Noong akala ko na wala na, saka ko naman napagtanto na heto pa rin ako, walang sawang naghihintay.
Why do I always get left behind?
Ayoko ng naghihintay pero heto ako, naiwan na naman... at kahit di ko sabihin, alam kong maghihintay na naman ako sa kanya.
The night he left, I found myself sitting inside a bar, drinking, drowning my pain with alcohol. Crying...
"Taga ninyo ito sa bato..." biglang sabi ko. Ashlee and Vince-- my two other friends looked at me...
"The next time I see him. I am going to ask him to marry me." mariing sabi ko.
"Who?" Vince asked. I looked at him, pissed.
"Yllak! idiot!" galit na sagot ko.
That was all I could remember that night. Wala na akong masaydong maalalang iba dahil sa sobrang kalasingan. I was so drunk to even remeber other things but that..
Hindi ko alam kung bakit iyon ang alaalang tumimo sa isipan ko, siguro ay dahil sobra talaga akong nasaktan ng muli akong iwan ni Yllak. Pero tulad ng lahat ng tao... I moved on.
I tried living my life not waiting for him to come back. I moved on. And I was happy with my decision...
Another six years had passed.. and i was doing okay. As I said. i moved on... but unlike me. Hindi naka-move on si Ashlee and si Vince.
Anim na taon na ang lumipas nang bitiwan ko ang mga salitang iyon, alakimutan ko na nga eh.. pero hindi ko alam na sila... pinanghawakan iyon.
I was really shocked when I found out that Yllak came back and that Ashlee set me up with him. What for? TO ASK HIM TO MARRY ME.
"Madali lang iyon, tonie. Diba pangako mo iyan sa sarili mo?" she told me when I asked he what the hell was wrong with her brains.
Hindi ako makapaniwala na ginawa niya sa akin iyon. I thuoght she was my friend but what she did to me was appalling. I couldn't even stand it!
And now... now.. now I am standing infront of Yllak. Hindi ko talaga ito inaasahan. I don't even know why he came here. Pakana lang naman lahat ito ni Ashlee at ni Vince. siguro, nagpustahan na naman silang dalawa. Hobby nila iyon eh.. pero bakit kailangan pati ako kasali?
"W-why are you here?" I asked him. He smiled. Nagwala ang puso ko. He still have the same effect on me. He can still make my heart flutter.
"Ashlee said you wanted to tell me something. It nice seeing you again." habang nagsasalita siya hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin kay Ashlee. nakatyo sila ni Vince sa likuran ko, nakikiosyoso. Alam kong naririnig nila kami. Ayoko talagang gawin ito pero...
Maybe for some reasons, I have to... i need to do it. maybe its the only thing that can shut the what if's on my mind.
"We'll..." muli ay tumingin ako kina Ashlee. Muntik na akong tumawa nang malakas ng makita kong may hawak ilang banner na nagsasabing "GO TONIE".
Mga ungas talaga. Akala yata nila ay laro lang ito. Ang hirap nito. how could I possibly ask him to marry me. I don't even know if he likes me that way. Isa pa.. paulit-ulit sa isip ko ngayon ang dalawang bagay na pwedeng mangyari sa akin.
Una, pagtatawanan ako ni Yllak pagkatapos ay sasabihin niya "You're kidding right?"
Pangalawa, he would feel sorry for me and I'll ned up crying... sad but that's the reality...
"What?" He asked me. "Are we just gonna satand here and look at each other?"
Sasabihin ko ba? Am i gonna ask him that question Kahit pa sabihin nating I made that statement six years ago, it still count. Sinabi ko pa rin iyon. At kahit ayoko, alam kong kailangan kong gawin. Isa pa, sa tingin ko panahon na para malaman ni Yllak ang isang bagay na pinakatago-tago ko.
"I guess I'm really doing this huh.." I said out loud.
"What?" naguguluhang tanong niya. I smiled at him.
"I was eight. Too young, i know. But when I saw you that day outside our classroom, I felt a different kind of gravity pulling me closer to you." It was a god start... i thought. I looked at him. Kunot na kunot ang noo niya. Malamang ay tinatanong niya ang sarili niya kung bakit ko sinasabi ang mga bagay na iyon.
"The thing is... I was so young back then but then I knew that you and I are meant to be together. Kaya nga kahit alam kong walang kasiguraduhan, hinyaan ako na lang ang sarili ko na mahulog sa'yo ng tuluyan. Siyempre noong una, crush lang kita, pero as the years pass, as we grow up.. lumalalim ang nararamadaman ko para sa'yo.. hanggang sa isang araw, mahal na kita basta."
"Okay naman na ako noon eh. Ayos na sa akin na minamahal ka sa tahimik na paraan, pero kahit ganoon nasaktan pa rin ako noong malaman kong aalis ka na.. Ang sakit-sakit noon, ang hirap-hirap tanggapin na aalis ka na lang basta, iiwan mo ako. Takot na takot akong baka makalimutan mo ako." a tear escaped my eye. I wiped it. I was trying so hard not to cry...
"Tonie..." I shhed him.
"Let me talk. You owe me this, Yllak. Dalawang beses mo akong iniwan, dalawang beses rin akong nahulog sa'yo at dalawang beses mo na rin akong sinasaktan. Ang dami-dami mo nang utang sa akin. Kaya kuung gusto mo akong bayaran, shut the hell up and let me talk!" sigaw ko sa kanya.
"Many many times you've left, you hurt me. I hate you for that. pero kahit ganoon, sadyang makulit ako at matigas ang ulo dahil kahit alam kong hindi tama, gagawin ko pa rin. Kahit alam kong sa huli ako ang magmumukhang tanga, gagawin ko pa rin."
I looked at him eye to eye. I smiled at him.
"Will you marry me?" nakita kong umawang ang mga labi niya. He was caught off guard I'm sure, but who cares.
"I love you. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, mahal kita. Mula noon hanggang ngayon hindi ako tumigil sa paniniwala na tayong dalawa ang nakatadahana para sa isa't-isa. Will you marry me, Yllak?"
Natahimik ang paligid. Nakatayo lamang ako roon, nakatitig sa kanya. Tila ba iniisip niya ang mga salitang sa tingin niya ay hindi gaanong makakasakit sa akin. napangiwi ako, looking at him right now, kahit hindi pa siya magsalita, alam ko na ang sagot. halata naman eh... Pumikit ako. I aited for him to ay something, and when he did... it broke my heart.
"I'm sorry, Tonie..." I smiled bitterly. Just as I thought. nagmulat ako ng mga mata. Tinitigan ko siya saka tumango.
"I know you are. I'm sorry to.... for myself..." after saying that i walked out. I couldn't believe that i really did asked him that question! Bakit ko ba naisip na sakyan ag kalokohan ni Ashlee at ni Vince? Ako lang naman ang nasaktan sa huli. Ganoon naman lagi eh. Sa loob ng mahabang panahon, ako lang ang nagmahal, ako lang ang laging iniiwan at ako lang ang laging nasasaktan. Tulad ngayon. Ako lang ang talunan.... sana.. sana hindi na lang siya ang minahal ko...
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